FIREWOOD, BREAD TOP NEW
RUSSIAN AGENDA
MOSCOW--Russian leaders Monday unveiled their new agenda for the next several
years: the procurement of firewood and bread. "Our homes are very cold," Kremlin
official Igor Kerensky said. "Many of us have not eaten for days." The new
agenda replaces a previous one, which involved the development of a
technologically advanced, fully modernized nation-state capable of leading
Europe into the 21st century. If the firewood plan is successful, within five
years Russian leaders hope to shift their focus to obtaining running water and
soap. "Do you have food?" Kerensky added. "I am very hungry."
CONGRESS APPROVES $15 BILLION MEDICRUELTY
WASHINGTON, DC--With a rapidly aging populace in increasing need of medical
care, Congress approved funding Monday for MediCruelty, a new system of health
care which focuses on cruelty toward the elderly. "Care is very expensive," Sen.
Al D'Amato (R-NY) said. "It will be much more cost-effective in the long run to
be cruel to the elderly." The system will offer seniors Emergency Neglect
Service, a 24-hour toll-free number that will connect to nowhere. Clearwater,
FL, resident Gladys Rankin, 72, is already among the first recipients of
MediCruelty. A rare bone disease has rendered her immobile, and treatments for
her condition are very expensive. Under Medi-Cruelty, she was left outside her
senior center near a back-alley dumpster Tuesday. "My bones hurt," Rankin said.
VISA FIRES BOB DOLE
NEW YORK--Credit-card giant Visa announced Tuesday that Bob Dole has been
dropped from its current "No ID" advertising campaign. "The American people were
just not responding to Bob Dole," Visa director of corporate communications Ron
Landau said. "People found him to be depressing." When asked how he felt about
being fired, Dole said, "I can say my line differently if you want. Tell me how
I'm supposed to say my line." He then burst into tears.
TWENTYSOMETHING GENERATION TURNS 35
AUSTIN, TX--Advertising agencies across the nation reacted with shock Monday,
when the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that the mean age of the "twentysomething
generation" is now 35. According to the report, the twentysomethings are no
longer 20- to 29-year-olds who wear ripped flannel shirts and "hang out" on
college campuses. Most are now married and have full-time jobs. Todd Leaks, an
Austin-area twentysomething, recently turned 36. "I was 28 when that book
Generation X came out," he said. "Man, that was a while ago already." Labels
previously ascribed to the twentysomethings, such as "Generation X" and
"slackers," have now been transferred to those Americans born between 1968 and
1977, who have also adopted the clothing styles and musical tastes of the
twentysomethings.
TOM BOSLEY NAMED SECRETARY OF NAPS
WASHINGTON, DC--Beloved veteran actor Tom Bosley, star of Happy Days and
Father Dowling Mysteries, was appointed U.S. Secretary of Naps Tuesday.
"I think the American people can be comfortable with Mr. Bosley's solid record
on napping," President Clinton said. "He will serve our nation's napping
interests well." Bosley's platform includes a 20-minute snooze at his desk
during daylight hours, an occasional dozing-off toward the end of the day, and
prolonged weekend lie-downs at home in the early evening hours, when, Bosley
said, "I tend to get really sleepy."