SHAREWARE FEE PAID
SAN FRANCISCO--The international computing community was stunned Monday following the announcement that San Francisco-area computer user Jeffrey Schaeffer had paid the requested $10 fee for the shareware puzzle game CubeMania. "I enjoyed the game," Schaeffer told reporters. "And since I am keeping it on my hard drive, it is my responsibility to pay the fee." By paying the $10, Schaeffer will receive free technical support for CubeMania and upgrades when they become available. Schaeffer also recently wrote the NFL for express written consent before watching a videotape of last year's Super Bowl with several friends.

AREA STAND-UP COMEDIAN QUESTIONS THE DEAL WITH DRIVE-THRU WINDOWS
ROYAL OAK, MI--In a stand-up routine delivered Saturday at the Laff Factory, stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli questioned the deal with drive-thru windows at fast-food restaurants. "What's the deal with that box you talk into?" inquired Campanelli. "It's like, 'HOOWARGA DOOMA DOOMA UBBAGUBBA OWOP OOWAARGH!' Am I right?" Campanelli went on to suggest that an intentionally unintelligible reply would be an amusing and appropriate response from a customer in such a situation, but continued to wonder as to the deal. Campanelli will repeat his line of inquiry next Friday and Saturday at 8:30 and 11 p.m. The 37-year-old comedian has questioned other deals in the past, including the deal with those little umbrellas that come in tropical drinks and the deal with the way women go to the bathroom in pairs, as if they are talking about some sort of top-secret woman thing in there or something.

MIT THINK-TANK DEVELOPS 20 GREAT GIFT IDEAS
CAMBRIDGE, MA--Twelve math and science professors at a Massachusetts Institute of Technology think-tank announced their latest brainstorming success Monday: twenty great holiday gift ideas for the co-worker or loved one who seems to have everything. "We dedicated ourselves to solving this most universal of problems," said team leader and biochemistry professor Charles J. Chang, "and we are proud to say we have come up with 20 great solutions." Among the ideas: a T-shirt reading, "It's Not a Beer Gut, It's a Gas Tank For a Sex Machine," available at Spencer Gifts; a hand-held electronic golf game from The Sharper Image; and a Corvette-shaped videotape rewinder from the Suncoast Motion Picture Company. "You can rewind your tapes in it," said team member Dr. Phillip Wasserstein. "Most people rewind them in their VCRs, but if you have one of these, you won't have to."

DUTCH ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE CLOSES
NEW YORK--Poul VanDerVoort, president of the Dutch Anti-Defamation League of America, announced Monday that his civil rights organization is closing due to a severe lack of defamation against the Dutch. "I guess we did a good job," VanDerVoort told reporters. "This past year there was not a single ethnically motivated crime committed against a person of Dutch descent." Despite a vigilant, constant effort to locate anti-Dutch sentiment, prosecute offenders and initiate a healing process, the league has found no such crises anywhere in the nation throughout its 18-year history. "A couple of months ago we thought someone had been fired from his job for being Dutch," VanDerVoort said. "But we investigated, and it turned out he was showing up drunk."