GAY GENE ISOLATED, OSTRACIZED
BALTIMORE--On Monday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males, promptly segregating it from normal, heterosexual genes. "I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it," said team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds. "It's a good thing we isolated it; I wouldn't want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones." Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene's gayness: its pinkish hue; meticulously frilly perimeter; and faint but distinct, perfume-like odor.

BAD TO THE BONE TO BE USED IN FILM
HOLLYWOOD, CA--In an inspired act of film soundtracking, Paramount Pictures announced Tuesday that its forthcoming family comedy Twerps will feature the rock song "Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood. "We feel the song will greatly enhance the scene in which the 12-year-old protagonist and his two pals go on a shopping spree and dress up as tough kids," said Paramount executive Edward Wohl. "As the children outfit themselves in leather, denim and sunglasses, the song's bluesy riffs and 'don't-mess-with-me' lyrics will provide the perfect backdrop to the kids' get-tough makeover." Paramount also intends to use James Brown's little-known "I Feel Good" for the film's closing-credits sequence, just after the lead character defeats the neighborhood bully in a climactic roller-hockey match.

CONGRESS RAISES KILLING AGE TO 19
WASHINGTON, DC--Making good on a promise to curb juvenile crime, Congress passed legislation Monday making it illegal for anyone under 19 to commit murder. "If you kill someone, your parents will be notified and you may even spend time in jail," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Previously, murderers as young as 14, depending on state of residence, were considered to be acting within the law. President Clinton approved the bill, though he had recently threatened to veto it if youths between 16 and 19 were not granted certain killing privileges with parental consent.

WOMAN INJURED IN HOSTILE MAKEOVER
NEW YORK--Area resident Julie Milner is in stable condition following a hostile makeover Monday. According to witnesses, Milner was looking at mascara at the Elizabeth Arden cosmetics counter at Macy's when several salespeople violently descended upon her, applying thick coats of rouge and eye shadow until she fell unconscious. "It was horrible," witness Stacie Hull said. "They had her in autumn colors, and she was obviously a winter."